This is a New Year’s Resolution post of sorts. Except it’s the exact opposite.
Most years, I list out my goals for the year. I’ve even blogged them, putting them out there for the entire Internet to hold me to. I am a high-achiever by nature and I REALLY like setting the bar very high for myself, then achieving exactly what I set out to. I really like to do hard things. That’s what she said. (Sorry. I also have a 12-year-old boy sense of humor.)
If you need someone to get shit done, I’m your gal. I crush do-to lists every day. I’ve been juggling three needy kids, a crazy photography business that continues to expand, a rigid work-out routine, a full social calendar, a lot of volunteering at schools and church, being my version of a good friend, and what feels like a hundred other million things.
I think, perhaps, that others, perhaps even you, feel like I am a success. People make comments about how I have the perfect life, or they don’t know how I accomplish all I do. I guess it’s what I live for, in a way – your view of me.
I just realized something though. Or maybe I’ve known it for a while now, but am continuing to figure it out. I’m not happy. At the core level, all my busy rushing is ending up in nothing. (I think there’s even a verse in the Bible about that. Funny. I guess I should’ve believed it.) Also, the people who are closest to me are not happy. I stress the kids out because I try to fit too many things in our day. I don’t take the time they need to sit on the couch, or talk about their day, or do something with them, because I have one quick thing to do. Which of course turns into another quick thing, and another, and one more quick thing that I will forget about if I don’t do it right now. But then, after my things are done, there’s no time to “be.” And then I feel like a total failure in the large things of life, because those weren’t on a list somewhere. My husband doesn’t get the best of me. Sometimes he doesn’t even get the worst. There’s usually nothing left after 9pm.
I’ve been too hard on those I love most. I expect near perfection from them. And to be fair, I expect far more from myself, which I guess is why I have justified being hard on them. But holding non-perfectionists to perfectionist standards hasn’t been working. I’m at a crossroads. Do I continue to push them away, or do I change? I want to change, but I’m going to be honest, I am not very sure how. This is how I am wired, and it’s going to be very hard for me to take a more laid-back approach to my life.
But my word that I want to remember for 2015 is GRACE. I want to have more grace for myself. Maybe that means I skip a few more workouts. Which may mean that I don’t have the control over having my body look exactly how I want it to. Maybe it means saying no to some customers, which means my business not growing as much as my pride wants it to. Maybe it means not being/looking/acting/trying to be perfect in every.part.of.my.life.
Grace also means not holding my loved ones to my standard of perfection. The house will always be dirtier than I want it to. This does not mean they hate me because they didn’t pick up after themselves. They won’t do things the same way that I thought through it three times and decided was the only way that made sense. This doesn’t mean they are wrong (this one’s going to be very hard for me).
Grace also means not trying to earn every thing I have. I have a very hardĀ time accepting the concept that someone would want to love me, without me doing something for them. I am sure I got screwed up sometime in my childhood (as we all do) being the oldest of 5 kids, who was often expected to “do” things to earn praise. Either way, I need to learn to accept that people love me, especially my husband, even when I don’t do something to earn it. I feel like this is probably key to understanding God better too. If I can’t grasp that anyone on earth would love me without my constant out-put, how can I truly believe that God does?
So, while I try to have a little grace for myself this year, I ask that you give me a little grace too. I may not be on top of everything as well this year. I’m going to try to be ok with that. But I am going to have to deal with my people-pleasing another year, so at least pretend that you are pleased with me this year, K? I’m also going to try to give more grace to you this year. If you let me down, or frustrate me, I’m going to try to be ok with that. Lords knows we are all far from perfect. Some of us are just a bit more frustrated about that. š
I hope you have a wonderful 2015. I hope mine has aĀ little more grace in it.
{angela}
