This morning I walked my sweet Cammy, my 5 pound, 6 ounce baby, to school, and walked home without her.
I really thought I would be ok. I am an extremely rational person, and all my rational bases are covered: Cammy is 6 years old – a whole year older than she COULD have started school, she is going to a great school that I feel good about, she knows everything and more than she is supposed to for her age, she has had 6 years with me at home to help her figure this crazy world out, she is no longer painfully shy but is excited to meet new friends. She is “ready” in every sense of the word. And so I am happy for her. I really am.
What makes me sad is my own selfishness. I am losing my little Cammy, who has been by my side almost constantly for 6 years. She has become my biggest helper, the person I can talk to during the day, the one who makes me laugh constantly, and the one I have loved sharing my life with for the last 6 years. I know it’s only half-day kindergarten, but this is the beginning of her spreading her wings, of her becoming important to other people, and learning things from people who are not her mommy. I know these are good things. Rationally.
So why is this so hard?
From the time I was thrust into motherhood when my water broke 6 weeks early, I have been floundering. I have wondered if I had what it takes to be a good mom to Cammy. Wondered why the heck I decided to give up any career and sit at home with crying, snotty, puking kids. I have dreamed about the day when I would have more independence to work, run, shop, anything.
And now? I want 6 more years with her by my side. I always heard it went fast, and that she would be in kindergarten before I knew it. I sort of wanted to use the F word to anyone who said that, because I was just struggling to make one hour feel like one hour and not 10. So how did I get here? How is it that I feel like I didn’t get enough time with her before it was time for her to do something else? I want to give up every single time that I chose to check my email, or go to the basement to work out, or do anything else besides look into her sweet, dark eyes and drink up her innocence, and memorize her little kid face.
I really don’t have any regrets, per se, but I just don’t feel ready for this. Not yet. But I don’t think I ever will be either, so I guess it’s for the best that we are jumping in to this new journey. This will be good. I am excited to help her navigate the world as it expands for her.
It’s just that I can’t stop crying because I miss my baby. And Deacon and Emmy miss their big sister. We will all have to figure out how life works without her around. It won’t be as good, I know that much.
{angela}
